http://www.fzombie.com/index.php The latest from the FuckZombie for President 2008 Campaign en mypitboss@gmail.com Copyright 2008 2008-02-08T02:31:00-05:00 http://www.fzombie.com/index.php/pressrelease/fuckzombie_offers_certificate_of_authenticity/ http://www.fzombie.com/index.php/pressrelease/fuckzombie_offers_certificate_of_authenticity/#When:02:31:00Z In a bold move that puts his credibility on the line, FuckZombie is now offering a Certificate of Authenticity In a bold move that puts his credibility on the line, FuckZombie is now offering a Certificate of Authenticity. Global consumers of the FuckZombie brand will now be assured that they are getting certified authentic FuckZombie goods and services. The certificate itself, a poster-sized hand-crafted fourteen-point parchment featuring platinum and titanium metallic quadruple-security inks with eleven offsetting holograms and a raised seal will be printed exclusively at a $671 million plant currently under construction at an undisclosed location. While some claim this was done to offset doubts that have arisen since the uncovering of a network of Nigerian counterfeiters who traded in millions of dollars worth of FuckZombie-related products, FuckZombie denied that claim. Appearing before the United Nations General Assembly, FuckZombie stressed that consumer confidence, not fear of counterfeiters, is the reason for this uncompromising undertaking. “FuckZombie know that certifying authenticity and also having confidence for having authenticity certified and having consumers with for credibility and also knowing that products and services with FuckZombie want to have offsetting holograms with metallic security inks from undisclosed location with hand-crafted parchment and offsetting holograms and security ink with raised seal to make credible and have authenticity certified for consumers make FuckZombie happy”, said FuckZombie. 2008-02-08T02:31:00-05:00 http://www.fzombie.com/index.php/pressrelease/fuckzombie_cures_cancer/ http://www.fzombie.com/index.php/pressrelease/fuckzombie_cures_cancer/#When:02:29:00Z Personally working in a laboratory for the last six days, FuckZombie has discovered the chemical formula that will finally defeat one of mankind’s most dreaded diseases.  FuckZombie has cured cancer. Personally working in a laboratory for the last six days, FuckZombie has discovered the chemical formula that will finally defeat one of mankind’s most dreaded diseases. Concerned that the thousands of polyps that completely cover his massive 34” dinosaur penis might be malignant growths that could have rendered him impotent, FuckZombie set out on a mission to save his cock. It didn’t take long, either. After six days of nonstop research, lab assistant Manny was heard screaming with delight. “That’s when we knew he had done it”, explained Global Nougat Vice President Marion S. Barry, who was visiting a lady friend at the FZ-Scientific Labs plant in Rockville, Maryland, where FuckZombie made the discovery. “I was getting my salad tossed for lunch by this ho, see, and I hear Manny come running out of the lab hollering and carrying on. It was a beautiful thing to witness.” The medical and pharmaceutical communities have called upon FuckZombie and FZ-Scientific to make the vaccine available to all manufacturers so that as many people as possible can be protected, but parent company Global Nougat has not decided what route to take in regards to distribution. Regardless of the outcome, the defeat of cancer by FuckZombie is expected to send Global Nougat stock skyrocketing when trading opens tomorrow morning. Global Nougat administrative assistant Warren Buffett expects the phones to be ringing off the hook. “My desk is near the copy machine that all the Media Relations people use and I am so sure those dudes are going to be totally busy,” remarked FuckZombie’s newest adminstrative assistant. 2008-02-08T02:29:00-05:00 http://www.fzombie.com/index.php/pressrelease/world_leaders_praise_fuckzombie/ http://www.fzombie.com/index.php/pressrelease/world_leaders_praise_fuckzombie/#When:02:21:00Z In a satellite-linked announcement simulcast across the world, the elected leaders of all of Earth’s recognized nations unanimously praised FuckZombie In a satellite-linked announcement simulcast across the world, the elected leaders of all of Earth’s recognized nations unanimously praised FuckZombie. The event, organized by Global Nougat board member the Hon. Marion S. Barry, was the cause for mass worldwide celebrations that included a Carnevale festival in Rio de Janeiro, an international soccer tournament in Zaire, an enormous beer-drinking contest in Berlin, and even a baby parade in bucolic Pine Brook, New Jersey. “It is a day to celebrate the greatness that is FuckZombie,” declared Russian president Vladimir Putin. “He is so good for the world and the people.” “I want to make every day FuckZombie Day in my country,” announced Bahamian president John Wall. The United Nations declared that FuckZombie is an official Citizen of the World and is welcome for fucking everywhere. “I don’t know what we would ever do with him,” said Chinese President Hu Jintao. Vatican City was the only nation to not participate in the global festival. The Catholic Church deems FuckZombie an enemy of Christianity based upon FuckZombie’s countless assertions that Jesus Christ is his ‘mortal enemy’. The Church hierarchy has taken death threats made by FuckZombie towards Christ, who has already been dead for over 2000 years, very seriously. The Pope spitefully spoke to the media on the day of FuckZombie’s global praise: “The Catholic church does not condone or agree with the world’s political leaders praising FuckZombie. FuckZombie thinks he is all that. Well, he’s not. OK? Jesus Christ is all that. Jesus died for all of humanity’s sins and humanity and FuckZombie could do a lot better job of repaying that debt. Humanity likes to think Jesus has been paid in full. Well I am here to tell you all that he hasn’t been paid back at all, not by a long shot. You people think you’re better than me? Just because FuckZombie lives the jet-set life all real men aspire to and Christ was nailed to a splintery wooden cross and left to die like a piece of crap and I have never seen a real naked woman in my life doesn’t mean you’re better than me, OK? FuckZombie needs to get with the program and accept Jesus Christ as his lord and savior and repent!” mumbled the octogenarian malcontent former Nazi stooge in a barely comprehensible but enraged manner. Everyone else disagreed with the Vatican’s stand on the issue. Most cited jealousy for the Catholic Church’s unwillingness to accept the simple fact that FuckZombie has all but defeated Christ and brought a new era of fucking to the world. A world free of the guilt-laden madness of Christ’s reign of terror on humanity. “The Pope is basically a beyatch”, explained animated Seattle teenager Toby Harker, who was celebrating the global praise of FuckZombie at a grunge rock revival show in the city’s Pike Market area. “The Church doesn’t even compare to FuckZombie, yo. FuckZombie got that big-ass dick, the fur limo, he’s always all up in someone’s shit. And what does Christ offer? Oh, look at me, I’m like all nailed up to a cross and shit. Feel bad for me, y’all. Don’t have any fun because I died for y’all. Fuck that shit, yo, I’m down with FuckZombie.” FuckZombie reportedly celebrated the day by fucking 18 buses chock full of elderly casino patrons returning from a day trip neat Atlantic City. 2008-02-08T02:21:00-05:00 http://www.fzombie.com/index.php/pressrelease/fuckzombie_surrounded_by_historical_significance/ http://www.fzombie.com/index.php/pressrelease/fuckzombie_surrounded_by_historical_significance/#When:02:20:00Z Global Nougat CEO and Spokesmodel FuckZombie is once again surrounded by historical significance Stunning the worlds of education, intelligentsia, business, government, literature and the arts, Global Nougat CEO and Spokesmodel FuckZombie is once again surrounded by historical significance. His legacy firmly entrenched in the cultural landscape of America, FuckZombie has never had to stop fucking for anyone. Consultant to the captains of industry and world leaders alike, it is a matter of fact that FuckZombie has a critical role in all significant global events. His influence is all encompassing and touches the lives of all people. Humanity has benefited by FuckZombie in so many ways, the universal love and respect FuckZombie receives in return is hardly worthy. A perfectionist at heart, FuckZombie is aware that his life and happiness are paramount in the minds of all good people and he is determined to never stop fucking. 2008-02-08T02:20:00-05:00 http://www.fzombie.com/index.php/pressrelease/global_nougat_names_fuckzombie_chairman_of_fuck_committee/ http://www.fzombie.com/index.php/pressrelease/global_nougat_names_fuckzombie_chairman_of_fuck_committee/#When:02:18:00Z Global Nougat named their CEO and Spokesmodel, FuckZombie, as the head of a new blue ribbon committee on fucking Symbolically underscoring their commitment to both profit and fucking, Global Nougat named their CEO and Spokesmodel, FuckZombie, as the head of a new blue ribbon committee on fucking. Created to allow further research and development than ever before, the new chairman will oversee all projects related to fucking. FuckZombie will also be in charge of prioritizing the allocation of funds. The committee will be meeting late next week to officially designate FuckZombie as the Chairman of Fuck Committee. “FuckZombie know that will have to fuck more as chairman of Fuck Committee, so will be chairman of fuck for Fuck Committee and have more fucking and also allocating. FuckZombie like when have to fuck more and also allocate and also fuck for having more fucking on Fuck Committee and being fuck Chairman of fucking for Fuck Committee and also for allocating,” confirmed FuckZombie. The Fuck Committee will be releasing a report on fucking by the end of the summer. 2008-02-08T02:18:00-05:00 http://www.fzombie.com/index.php/pressrelease/fuckzombie_wins_gold_medal_for_buttery_flavor/ http://www.fzombie.com/index.php/pressrelease/fuckzombie_wins_gold_medal_for_buttery_flavor/#When:02:15:00Z For the third year in a row, Global Nougat CEO and Spokesmodel FuckZombie has won the Gold Medal for Buttery Flavor For the third year in a row, Global Nougat CEO and Spokesmodel FuckZombie has won the Gold Medal for Buttery Flavor. Devoid of trans-fatty acids yet rich in creamery butter flavored satisfaction, FuckZombie was a unanimous choice. Overwhelmingly wholesome and delicious, FuckZombie was simply too much for the judges to resist. Most agree that when it comes to savoring the ultimate in farm-fresh goodness, no one can match the just-churned taste of FuckZombie. 2008-02-08T02:15:00-05:00