In a satellite-linked announcement simulcast across the world, the elected leaders of all of Earth’s recognized nations unanimously praised FuckZombie. The event, organized by Global Nougat board member the Hon. Marion S. Barry, was the cause for mass worldwide celebrations that included a Carnevale festival in Rio de Janeiro, an international soccer tournament in Zaire, an enormous beer-drinking contest in Berlin, and even a baby parade in bucolic Pine Brook, New Jersey.
“It is a day to celebrate the greatness that is FuckZombie,” declared Russian president Vladimir Putin. “He is so good for the world and the people.”
“I want to make every day FuckZombie Day in my country,” announced Bahamian president John Wall.
The United Nations declared that FuckZombie is an official Citizen of the World and is welcome for fucking everywhere.
“I don’t know what we would ever do with him,” said Chinese President Hu Jintao.
Vatican City was the only nation to not participate in the global festival. The Catholic Church deems FuckZombie an enemy of Christianity based upon FuckZombie’s countless assertions that Jesus Christ is his ‘mortal enemy’. The Church hierarchy has taken death threats made by FuckZombie towards Christ, who has already been dead for over 2000 years, very seriously. The Pope spitefully spoke to the media on the day of FuckZombie’s global praise:
“The Catholic church does not condone or agree with the world’s political leaders praising FuckZombie. FuckZombie thinks he is all that. Well, he’s not. OK? Jesus Christ is all that. Jesus died for all of humanity’s sins and humanity and FuckZombie could do a lot better job of repaying that debt. Humanity likes to think Jesus has been paid in full. Well I am here to tell you all that he hasn’t been paid back at all, not by a long shot. You people think you’re better than me? Just because FuckZombie lives the jet-set life all real men aspire to and Christ was nailed to a splintery wooden cross and left to die like a piece of crap and I have never seen a real naked woman in my life doesn’t mean you’re better than me, OK? FuckZombie needs to get with the program and accept Jesus Christ as his lord and savior and repent!” mumbled the octogenarian malcontent former Nazi stooge in a barely comprehensible but enraged manner.
Everyone else disagreed with the Vatican’s stand on the issue. Most cited jealousy for the Catholic Church’s unwillingness to accept the simple fact that FuckZombie has all but defeated Christ and brought a new era of fucking to the world. A world free of the guilt-laden madness of Christ’s reign of terror on humanity.
“The Pope is basically a beyatch”, explained animated Seattle teenager Toby Harker, who was celebrating the global praise of FuckZombie at a grunge rock revival show in the city’s Pike Market area. “The Church doesn’t even compare to FuckZombie, yo. FuckZombie got that big-ass dick, the fur limo, he’s always all up in someone’s shit. And what does Christ offer? Oh, look at me, I’m like all nailed up to a cross and shit. Feel bad for me, y’all. Don’t have any fun because I died for y’all. Fuck that shit, yo, I’m down with FuckZombie.”
FuckZombie reportedly celebrated the day by fucking 18 buses chock full of elderly casino patrons returning from a day trip neat Atlantic City.
