FuckZombie has cured cancer. Personally working in a laboratory for the last six days, FuckZombie has discovered the chemical formula that will finally defeat one of mankind’s most dreaded diseases. Concerned that the thousands of polyps that completely cover his massive 34” dinosaur penis might be malignant growths that could have rendered him impotent, FuckZombie set out on a mission to save his cock. It didn’t take long, either. After six days of nonstop research, lab assistant Manny was heard screaming with delight.
“That’s when we knew he had done it”, explained Global Nougat Vice President Marion S. Barry, who was visiting a lady friend at the FZ-Scientific Labs plant in Rockville, Maryland, where FuckZombie made the discovery. “I was getting my salad tossed for lunch by this ho, see, and I hear Manny come running out of the lab hollering and carrying on. It was a beautiful thing to witness.”
The medical and pharmaceutical communities have called upon FuckZombie and FZ-Scientific to make the vaccine available to all manufacturers so that as many people as possible can be protected, but parent company Global Nougat has not decided what route to take in regards to distribution. Regardless of the outcome, the defeat of cancer by FuckZombie is expected to send Global Nougat stock skyrocketing when trading opens tomorrow morning. Global Nougat administrative assistant Warren Buffett expects the phones to be ringing off the hook.
“My desk is near the copy machine that all the Media Relations people use and I am so sure those dudes are going to be totally busy,” remarked FuckZombie’s newest adminstrative assistant.
